Screwed.AsiaKE09

Screwed… By Asia K.  cHaPtEr One The name’s Trip. Trip Voscare. I’m fourteen years old. I’m emotionally damaged. That’s what I call myself. I like it, I like it because it’s true. I’ve been this way for years. Since my dad died, since my mom became a druggie, and I’m not liking it. So I’m emotionally damaged and I’m fourteen. Great huh? I’m in love with someone who doesn’t love me, not one bit. Not a little. It’s not a figment of my thoughts. It’s real. Really real. I’m not loved nor will I ever be. People call me weird, but they just don’t know. Weird isn’t the word. Not even close. And if I had the balls to tell them, just a little bit, they still wouldn’t understand. Teenagers. The most obnoxious, immature, stupid, hating age group in life. I hate them. Although I am one, but not, ever one of them. I don’t see myself as fully accepted even though I talk to hundreds of people in my school. It’s just to hide the truth. Let it lie and simmer beneath my skin until I run to the bathroom and carve it out. And I sit over the toilet and watch the blood envelope in the clear water. The warm substance against my numb skin. I can no longer feel my right wrist. Really, I can’t feel it. But above that, old scars that made their way up to the new host of Bessie can still feel the warm blood, rippling my nerves. I have never thought my life would turn out this way. I surely didn’t plan for it but, it happened. All in a day. cHaPtEr Two “Hey Trip! Get over here!” A loud voice scraped against my ears. I couldn’t believe someone could be so freaking loud. I got up slowly and inspected the gym to see who had called me. “Get over here! Trip, come on!” “What do you want? I told you to leave me alone!” My voice was scratchy, I haven’t spoken in hours. It was Pax, the boy I secretly loved, but clearly hated. He was the one that took my virginity. He hung around me forever. We’d been friends since the second grade, but still I wasn’t so sure what he wanted. He always seemed to be near me. A week after that horrid night, I didn’t go to school. I skipped and went to carve figures into my already “art” covered wrist. When I came back to school, he told me he didn’t even like me, not one bit; in the middle of the hall, where everyone was. I knew that his voice was soft, normally. All the time he was soft spoken. But I could just feel eyes burning into my back like flaming bullets. They knew. I held my tears for two hours before I crawled into a ball in my bed and cried myself to sleep. This was for weeks. No stop. Even when he did start coming back to me. Coming back to me as in, acting like nothing ever happened. Like his thin body never touched mine, like we never even kissed. He totally started over. Pax was brand spankin’ new. I hated it. He came over to my lunch table all the time and the same with my locker at school-end. It pisses me off really bad, I’m serious. He calls me, but not always. He seems more interested in bothering me in person. Sometimes, I just want to stab him. My friend Daisy always says, “He’s just a boy. He does like you. He just doesn’t want to admit it.” Yeah right, I got rejected three whole times and now it’s “He’s just a boy”. Screw that. “What do you want Pax? You know I don’t like you being here. I need to leave anyway, practice is over.” I glared at him hatefully, he didn’t give in. “Ya’ know, you do look spiffy playing volleyball.” He loved using stupid words like that, “You guys are sick.” “Pax I’m not going to ask you again. I’m leaving.” I started to walk away when he grabbed my arm, “What!” “Look Trip, I didn’t mean to say I didn’t like you. It just came out.” “I don’t have time for this crap, I’m leaving.” I ripped away my arm and got out of the school as quickly as possible. cHaPtEr Three My mom was waiting for me outside but I wasn’t ready to go home. I slipped into the alleyway before she could see me. I had to think in peace for once. //I never thought that I would ever like anyone as much as him. Really. And I’d always thought that I would have sex with someone who loved me the way I loved them. It just doesn’t happen like that. This is life. Now I’m like every other girl. A slut. I never wanted it to be like this, but I had no choice. I loved him. And I still do. I regret the timing but I don’t regret doing it.// That’s exactly what I think all the time (which is a loss of a warm car ride). But I don’t regret the things I do. Stuff happens. It has reasons to do so. My mom would be kind of pissed that I didn’t show but I don’t care. I need some “me time”, as they say. She could go do what she does. Meth. I don’t care. I did care once, but I guess she didn’t want me to try and help, so I stopped. She is living her life for her, so if she wants to do that, I have no choice but to let her. So, she’ll be alright. I walked slower. I was thinking about what Pax had said only a few short moments before. “Look Trip, I didn’t mean to say I didn’t like you. It just came out.” What did he mean “just came out”? Stuff like that doesn’t usually just come out, decisions like that take thinking. Serious thinking. I wish I had stayed with him a little longer. To tell him how I felt about that statement, like he was probably expecting me to. I just couldn’t be with him though. Knowing that he used me and that was all. That I’m still dumb enough to love him. It’s just stupid to think we would ever be together. It just didn’t seem possible. I got fed up with the cold and so I went to Daisy’s house. It’s like my second home. A real one. Away from the problems and hardships. A place where you can just sit at a dinner table and have good conversations instead of forcing small talk and then being abandoned. She lived in the attic which is sick since we could do whatever, talk about whatever. Just be ourselves and no one ever bothers us. I can always go to her for advice, sometimes and she’s just like the sister I never had. Since my sister is 21, and knocked up with her fourth. I knocked on the door and waited for about two minutes. Her Pitt, Chow Chow, was barking away behind the clear glass door, excited that I had arrived. Her mom soon appeared also and welcomed me in with a warming smile. “How are you doing, Hun? Whoa it’s cold, get in here!” “Hey Mrs. Covenson, is Daisy here?” I said, smothered in her perfumy hug. I usually had to ask if Daisy was home because sometimes I just visit and talk to her mom when Daisy isn’t home. It’s just like Sammi is another close friend of mine. That’s her name, Sammi Tathe Covenson. She is the awesome mother of Daisy Landers Covenson and Jill Hanna Covenson. I love reciting their whole names to myself. I just love them, their names are so, fluent, like it’s almost fun to say them. I like my name too; Trip Vienna Voscare but I like their names better. “Yeah, Daisy’s upstairs, where she always is, writing music. Hey, by the way, did you get any new poems out in that new book I got you? I’d love to read them.” “Yes, I write every day now. Thanks for getting it for me, I love it. I can give it to you now to read. Here it is.” I pulled a silver and black striped book out of my tattered bag. Sammi didn’t care how dark my writing was, she still loved it, and she still loved me. I climbed up the pull ladder that Daisy painted. It was green, my favorite color, purple, her favorite color, and black, both our favorite colors. I heard her shrieking to Slayer’s “Raining Blood”. She had an amazing voice. So did I, but hers was unexplainable. She could put the weirdest chords together on her guitar, and then put them with words and it became a harmony. That’s real music. Daisy and I have a thing for that. She had head phones on so I just sat on her bed until she finished. I could sit and listen to her all day. I kept my guitar here in her room. It wasn’t safe at home. My mom would probably pawn it for her “diction”. I can’t stand to be around her. She’s not like she used to be. Happy and fun to talk to. I miss that mom, but now she’s nothing more to me than a bag of dust. Daisy turned around and joined me on the bed. She had on my gray pajama pants so I knew she was in a good mood. When either of us is happy, we wear each other’s favorite thing. But today I wasn’t wearing anybody’s favorite. I was clearly unhappy in the happiest place I knew. She tilted her head and I knew she was about to ask me something. I braced myself. “Was it Pax? What did he say? Oooh I’m gonna kill em’!” I could almost see her face reddening. She didn’t like Pax one bit and I bet, if she could, maybe she //would// kill him. I didn’t have a problem with that. He deserved what he got. And maybe soon he would get it good. “No, yes, no, well yeah but that’s not all.” I didn’t know whether I should tell her everything yet. Nobody knew about that night but me, him, and his friend Leslie. “Trip, I know you’re not telling me something. I want to know now.” She was good at getting stuff out of me. I tensed up and I spilled the beans. “So, yeah that happened. Don’t hurt him, I love him.” “Aw come on Trip, you don’t love him. Just because you guys, you know, “did the do”, doesn’t mean you love him.” “Daisy I loved him since fifth grade. I can’t get over him.” “You can’t get over him? Trip I found you passed out on the bathroom floor with “PAX DIE!!!” on your wrist! You’re crazy. I’m going to deal with this.” And with that, Daisy got up and ran out of the house. I never get the last word with her. And when she says that she’s going to do something, she does it. Except, I didn’t know what she was going to do this time. cHaPtEr Four I can’t believe I was still sitting there on her bed, while she was gone 10 minutes. Sammi came up to the attic and stared at me, worry in her eyes. She just stood there, waiting for me to explain. I didn’t bother telling her about what Daisy left for since I didn’t know either. So I just left. Daisy was nowhere. I looked for her in every place I knew she would be: gas station, Subway, New Centrial  Park, and the back of an abandoned club where she goes when she’s upset. I couldn’t find her anywhere, and I was worried. The only other place I could think of was Mike’s house, where Pax lived. There was no telling what she would do if I got there too late. So I sprinted all the way to 76 Thanner St. Out of breath, I banged on Mike’s door. A girl, half dressed, soon appeared. She was staring at me like I was some kind of mutant. I was the first to speak. “Where’s Pax!?” she just stood there. “Look, Pax ain’t here chick. I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.” “Fine, where’s Mike? I know he’s here. And don’t tell me he isn’t.” “Just come in.” she opened the door, and I guess I brought in a lot of cold air since she shivered. Mike, as usual, was sitting on his couch playing video games and getting baked. To my surprise, Pax was right there next to him, gulping down a Mountain Dew. I didn’t understand why that girl gave me such a hard time on if he was here or not. He got up and strode across the room. I stared at him in awe as I always did when he didn’t notice. I couldn’t read his facial expression, but I just tried not to panic. “Hey,” he said, “what’s up?” “Nothing, I was just in the neighborhood and—“ “Let’s not use that excuse. Tell me why you were so anxious to leave earlier.” I just didn’t want to tell him yet. It had to be in private. “Well it’s kinda private, so can we go somewhere a little…iso?” “Yeah sure.” So we walked out of the house, no interruptions (thank goodness), and went all the way down to the river. It was our spot since 3rd grade. He took my hands and looked directly into my eyes. As he did that, I shot my eyes straight to the ground. I could never look him into the eyes like I used to. “Okay so tell me what the deal is.” “Well, uhm….you know I like you a lot, and this is hard to say…maybe love. I didn’t want to be around you because I always feel not wanted by you. And especially since, that night. Then you totally acted like nothing happened when I came back, so I’ve been pissed at you ever since. And then when you told me that you didn’t like me, oh my god,” tears started to come to my eyes, “my heart was so hurt. “I just can’t understand why you would say that, even when you were…my first.” Pax just stood there, silent. I looked up and he was staring directly into my eyes, I guess he was waiting for me to look into his. My heart almost came out of my mouth. I could feel my hands starting to sweat and my legs burning like the almighty fires of Hell. I couldn’t take it anymore. Again, I sprinted. I looked back and he was still standing there, shocked I guess. I wanted to go back but my legs kept going forward. Tears streaming down my eyes, black with eyeliner. All that time wasted, and I still couldn’t find Daisy. cHaPtEr Five Exhausted, I pulled myself into my crappy apartment in the Dorman Condominiums. My mom was passed out on the couch. By the sight of the needles on the floor, I knew she was high. I threw myself onto my bed and unexpectedly started to cry. I didn’t know what for until I silenced myself and stared at the wall. Daisy was missing, and Pax was probably still standing there, thinking of what I said, and possibly about to die any minute. There was no telling what she would do to him, and since she didn’t take her meds, what she would do to herself. I tried hard not to think about that, losing someone else I loved wouldn’t be cool. I guess I forgot how tired I was because I was asleep for 6 hours until I was awoken by a phone call. It was Daisy. “Hey, it’s me. I’m sorry I left.” “Yeah, it’s okay. Just tell me where you are. I’ve been worried sick about you.” “I don’t think I can do that, Trip.” “Why the hell not?!” “Well, I’m kinda on a mission and if you know where I am, then…it will obviously be ruined.” “It’s about Pax isn’t it? I just know it! Daisy, what the hell!!” “Trip, you’re not in freaking love with him! Get over it. I’m so tired of your bipolar episodes over that fag. Now I’m going to get rid of him whether you like it or not!” By now, my skin was bubbling. I just didn’t know what to say. But then I asked, “Why do you hate him so much? He has never done anything to you! You just don’t want me to be happy do you?!” There was silence for a very long time, then I heard her start to sob. “Why I hate him? Well for a fact, I hate him because he took your virginity, Trip! Because he’s slept with almost every girl in the school! Maybe even because he raped me and I’m pregnant with his god damned kid!” I was speechless. It felt like I fell off a building and got the wind knocked out of me, much less my brains. My face got hot with anger and sadness. I hung up the phone and ran into the bathroom. I carved my feelings away and soon I was numb. Then everything went black. cHaPtEr Six I bet you think I’m laying in a hospital bed, all kinds of people around me. People asking if I’m okay, my mom freaking out in the background. Well, you’re wrong. Very wrong. I’m still laying on the floor, in a pool of my own blood. My mom’s bitching wakes me up. “What the hell! Where’s my meth?! Where’s my f--- meth!? Trip, get your butt in here! Get in here now!” “What the hell do you want!?” “Where’s my meth huh? Did you take it? Huh, did you? I swear that s--- is too much money for you to steal! “I didn’t take your s---. Leave me the f--- alone! I was too busy slitting my wrist that I didn’t have time to take it. Some mother you are!” As usual, my mom just stands there. I always have the last word. She knows it’s the truth. She’s too busy getting high and passing out that she can’t even maintain a minimal relationship with her daughter. But you see, remorse isn’t one of the side effects of the drug. It’s high, high, high. So, that’s my life. What now? I go into my bedroom and cry. My arm is still bleeding and my face is dry from my tears. I gotta take a shower. The hot water embraces my frail body. I see the blood flowing into the drain. Good cut. I’m surprised I’m not dizzy this time. I guess I’m too shocked to be. My best friend, pregnant by the one I love? No wonder she always avoided him. No wonder she seemed to be jealous when he talked to me. But would she actually kill him? What’s her mission? Ugh, all these questions are making me so tired. I trudge to my bed, and soon enough, I’m asleep. cHaPtEr Seven Yet again, I was awaken by another phone call. It was Pax, surprisingly. “Hey, what’s up?” “Hey? What’s up? What the hell Pax, you’re supposed to be freaking dead!” Or so I thought. “Oh, so you’re not happy that I’m alive?” “Well, I am. It’s just that—I don’t know. Why are you calling me?” “I guess I’m calling because I want to know why you ran from me the other day. Daisy called and said that there was something wrong with you.” I was trying hard to figure out why Daisy would call Pax. Why would she tell him there was something wrong with me, when she clearly had worse problems? What is she trying to hide? “What do you mean ‘Daisy called’? Why did she call and what else did she tell you?” short phone calls are definitely not Daisy, and I should know that. “Well she said that you wanted to kill yourself because I didn’t love you or something. She was also talking about some mission. I really don’t know. That chick is out of her nut.” “What did she say about the mission? You have to tell me.” “I don’t know, she was like crying and I couldn’t really understand her. I guess she said something about a night job in New York and a clinic. But I’m not so sure. Anyways, Trip, I need to talk to you. Meet me at Jimmi’s house. I’ll be in the basement. Door’s unlocked, just come in.” And that was that, he hung up. I’m in over my head if I think I’m going get Daisy off her little mission. I knew what a night job was. Prostitution. She needs money for an abortion. She was real smart to tell Pax because he’s stupid and she knew he’d call me if she told him I was going to kill myself. I guess she didn’t want to tell me because I would be quick to state my opinion. Yup real smart because she knows I have no way to get to New York. But hey, neither does she… cHaPtEr Eight So I get to Jimmi’s house and I hesitate to knock, remembering that Pax told me the door’s unlocked. The faint smell of booze stings my dry nose. I notice that nobody’s in the house, pretty unusual. I make my way down into the basement and a whole bunch of memories pop into my mind. This is where it all happened. This place right here unleashed the great hell I’m in right this moment. Choices, choices, choices. I struggle to find peace in my head until I see Pax’s face before me. But it isn’t the mischievous smirk I’m used to, it’s guilt that covers his placid blue eyes like a worn blanket. Okay, time to worry. But his worried face isn’t the only one that I see. In the darker corners of the basement, I see someone else. A girl, small and green eyed. I take a few steps back and turn on the last light switch. It’s Daisy. A rush of feelings race through me, like adrenaline in my veins. I fight the tears lingering above my week-old, not-so-waterproof eyeliner. Before pain comes confusion. After pain comes happiness. After happiness comes raging anger and I know this isn’t going to be good. I hear footsteps coming down the stairs and I turn to run, but Pax makes a move and grabs my arm, which hits the switch and turns off the lights. The only thing to hear is my screaming and I feel myself being thrown on the floor. The door slams shut and the lights are back on. Then I see three blurry faces. Daisy and Pax, I know, but the other I can’t quite make out. “Put her over there, we all need to talk about this.” I hear them talking… // What the hell is going on?! // // I told you to be easy man, this isn’t cool. // // We’re going to jail! // // Hey! Shut up, we’re not going to f-- jail. // // Yes we are! You freaking threw her across the room, you damn fool! Look, no freaking carpet! She probably has a concussion, or something. // // Hey, maybe she’s dead. // // You think this is a joke, I should’ve killed you when I had the chance. // // Why me? // // You guys shut up! What are we going to do? // // I don’t know. // // Me neither. // // Well, I guess we just wait until she wakes up. // cHaPtEr Nine I open my eyes again. But thankfully, no one is surrounding me. They’re sitting on the couch. Pax, playing Guitar Hero, Daisy worrying, the other guy looking pretty normal. I still don’t recognize him. But he’s older than the others, way older. Like maybe 35. What would a 30-something year old guy want with three teenagers? Daisy sees that I’m awake and smiles. “Hey pretty face. Nice to see you’re up.” “What the hell do you want? Just because I passed out, doesn’t mean I don’t remember anything.” That wipes the smile from her face. The guys walk over. The older one picks me up and lays me on the couch. “Who are you?” I really don’t understand what I’m going through right now. “Trip, I’m Kevin. I’m you’re father.” “No, no, no. My dad’s dead. He died. You’re not my dad.” “Yes I am. After you were born, I got sent back to Iraq. I guess your mom found a new love while I was gone.” (yeah love, more like sugar daddy, until he beat her face in and got sent to prison). “No, no, no. NO! NO! NO!” “Look, calm down.” “I’m not going to f-- calm down! Where have you been for the last 10 years!? They don’t keep you down there that long, I’m not f-- stupid! Why the hell is everyone lying to me all of a sudden? What did I do that was so wrong!? Daisy’s pregnant, it’s Pax’s kid. Then some old guy claims me as his f--- daughter? Hell no!” //I knew I should’ve killed myself when I had the// // chance. //