Wright

Whenever my mother was about to have another child, she'd send me off to go live with my grandfather for a few months. He was completely out of his mind. He was totally insane. Every day he made my cousins and me stand in a line for 3 minutes without talking to each other. He said it was elevator practice. Now, whenever I'm on the elevator with someone, I'll go, "Hey, did your grandfather make you do this too?" And they'll say, "What the heck are you talking about?"

The other day, I was in the elevator (wink wink) waiting to get to my floor. Then this old, old guy gets on. I was over near the buttons, so I said, "Where're you headed?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. 2 minutes later, the doors open. Two tumbleweeds blew in. We were in downtown Phoenix, Arizona. So I turned to the guy and said, "You know, You're the kind of guy I'd really like to hang around with." So he said, "Well, I'm headed out to my cabin. You wanna come?" I said, "Sure." So we hopped in his car and drove out to the middle of the desert. As soon as we got in the door, the phone started ringing. He said, "You wanna get that?" So I picked up the phone and said hello. The man on the other end of the line said, "Hello, Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Haynes. I'm the student loan director from your bank." I said, "Yeah?" He said, "You're 62 bank payments behind. Found out today that the university you attended recieved none of the 17 thousand dollars we loaned you. We'd really like to know what you did with it." I said, "Well, Mr. Haynes, I'm not gonna lie to you. I gave the money to my friend Jiggs Casey. And he built a nuclear weapon with it. And I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't call me anymore."

I'm gonna get a whole body tattoo of me but taller.

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. Annoys me. So when no one's looking, I'll go over to the little babies and say, "What are you doing here, you haven't worked a day in your life."

If cats always land on their feet, and bread always lands butter-side down, what happens when you strap buttered bread to the back of a cat and drop it?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, I was a suspect.

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

I once bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

What do batteries run on? Why is the Alphabet in that order? Is it 'cause of that song? Guy that wrote that song wrote everything.

I talk to myself a lot, but it bothers people because I use a megaphone.

For my birthday, once I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I put wax in my humidifier, now my room's all shiny.

I'm living with my friend Winny. People think Winny's weird because he's got false teeth, but he has braces on them. I think Winny's weird because he's got sideburns behind his ears. He practices Limbo a lot. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. People would come over and say, "What's that?" I'd say, "That's Winny."

Sometimes you can't hear me. That's 'cause sometimes, I'm in parentheses.

I'm in the strangest sweepstakes. It's a contest where you get a card with a number on it. Then, you go up to any stranger, and scratch a penny on his head. If the number on his head matches the number you have, you win one hundred dollars. i won twice. I was beat up 11 times.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I know when I'm gonna die because my birth certificate has an expiration date on it.

Whenever I see someone hitching, I always like to wait a minute before I say anything to them. Then I say, "Sooooo........ how far did you think you were going? Put on your seat belt, I want to try something. I saw it in a cartoon, but I'm pretty sure I can do it."

I lost a button hole. Where am I gonna get a button hole?

I stayed up one night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

My new answering machine message is a recording of the busy signal.

I like to leave messages before the beep.

Once I was in this bar and I went up to this beautiful brown-haired girl and I said, “Do you live around here often?” She said, “You’re wearing two different colored socks.” So I said, “Yes but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.”

My friend has one of those car-phones. He has an answering machine on that car-phone. The message is, “Hi. I’m home right now… so I can’t come to the phone. But leave your name and number and I’ll call you when I’m out.”

Once I got home and put my car key into my house’s lock by accident. Then the whole building started up, so I drove it around for a while. When the cops pulled me over, they asked where I lived and I said, “Right here!” Then I parked on the side of the highway and ran out into the street and yelled at all the cars to get the heck out of my driveway. No one who lives in my apartment building noticed that the building had moved because everyone who lives in the building is completely insane. The lady who lives across from me tried to rob a store with a pricing gun. She told the clerk, “Give me all the money in the register or I’ll mark everything in the store!” The guy who lives next to me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

I make my own water. The recipe is two cups of H, one cup of O. I don't trust anybody!

Once, I was driving around and I decided to hook my brake lights up to my gas pedal. Just to confuse the people behind me. I floor it, the people behind me stop, and I’m gone. They say, “What is he driving?”

I have a telescope on the peephole on my door so I can see who’s at the door for 200 miles. “Who is it? Who’s it gonna be when they get here?”

Once, I was in Little League on first. I stole third. I went straight across. Thanks to Mr. Scursso, earlier in the week I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a straight line so you know. I argued with the umpire that 2nd base was out of my way.

I like to aggravate the salesman when I go to the store. When they say, “Can I help you, sir?” I say, “Yeah. Do you have anything I would like?” Then they say, “How do I know what you’d like?” And I say, “Hey, you started this!”

It’s hard to find clothes that’re my size. Extra – medium. It’s just like regular medium but just a little bit extra.

I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.

I was once arrested for disturbing the people. I asked them, “Isn’t it supposed to be disturbing the peace?” They said, “Not in your case, bub.”

My old phone broke and I had to buy a new one. I didn’t have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone. It had no number 5. My phone had no number 5. I ran into an old friend of mine the other day and he said, “Hey. How come you never call me anymore?” I said, “I can’t call anyone I want. My phone has no 5 on it.” He said, “That’s really weird. How long have you had it?” I said, “I don’t know. My calendar has no 7’s.”

I called the wrong number by accident the other day. I said, “Hello. Is Joey there?” The woman who answered said, “Yes he is.” I said, “Can I speak to him please?” She said, “No, I don’t think so. He’s only 2 months old.” I said, “OK, I’ll wait.”

I bought a cordless extension cord.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. I think it’s in the apartment somewhere. I don’t know. We can’t find it.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.

I like to tease my plants when I water them. I water them with ice cubes.

Once, we had a power outage in my neighborhood… Good thing my camera had a flash. When I made a sandwich, I ended up taking 50 pictures of my kitchen. The neighbors called the police because they thought there was lightning in my house.

I moved into an apartment building with my friend Winnie. The apartment ran on static electricity. If we wanted to microwave something, we had to take a sweater off real quick. If we wanted the lights to turn on, we had to rub balloons on our heads.

My house is made out of balsa wood… so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...(slow glance upward)

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don’t really notice except that when I leave my driveway, I have to be going 60 mph.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so when I drive at night, it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.

I play the harmonica very often, because the only way I can play it is to drive 100 mph and stick my harmonica out the window. I’ve been arrested 14 times for practicing. Then I put a new engine in my car… but I forgot to take the old one out. Now I can go 500 mph. The harmonica sounds amazing.

Last year, me and a friend of mine drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I can’t remember what it was.

I was driving down the freeway when I saw a sign that said, “Next rest area: 25 miles.” I said, “Wow. That’s pretty big. People must get really tired around here.”

I was pulled over for speeding once. The policeman asked me, “Why were going so fast?” I said, “Why? I had my foot to the floor. Sends more gas through the carburetor. Makes the engine go faster. The whole car just takes off. And see this, right here, see this? This steers it.”

Once I was pulled over for running through a stop sign. The cop said, “Why did you go through that stop sign?” I said, “I thought that only applied to cars!”

Once I was pulled over for running through a stop sign. The cop said, “Why did you go through that stop sign?” I said, “Hey, I don’t believe everything I read.”

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly and after a few minutes says, "Here, you can go."

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

I bought one of those self learning records. You put the record on overnight and learn the language while you’re sleeping. During the night the record skipped. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I have a dog. I named him Stay. He was a lot of fun when he was a puppy because when I called him, I’d say, “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” And he’d keep starting to come and then stopping almost instantly. He’s a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him, he’ll just ignore me and keep on typing.

The human body is made up of 98% water. That means we’re just that far away from drowning. I like to live on the edge though. I do what the scientists tell me. I drink at least 5 glasses of water a day.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

I bought some powdered water, but, I don’t know what to add. Do I add food?

I was Caesarian born. You can’t really tell… Although every time I leave a house, I go out through the window.

Last night someone broke into my apartment and had replaced all the furniture in my house with exact replicas. I couldn’t believe it! I called up my friend and said, “Come here and look at this stuff – It’s all an exact replica!” He said, “Do I know you?”

Me and my friend were going on a cross country ski trip. I had to get up at 5 in the morning. I knew I couldn’t do that so I slept with my skis on. The next morning my friend got to my house and couldn’t wake me up. So he strapped me to the roof rack of the car and drove 250 miles to the ski lodge. When I finally woke up, I had this incredibly bizarre dream that I was sky diving horizontally… But I’m sure that’s happened to you.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing little triangles in the air.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

My friend got arrested for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

I'm gonna get a whole body tattoo of me but taller.

if you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. Annoys me. So when no one's looking, I'll go over to the little babies and say, "What are you doing here, you haven't worked a day in your life."

If cats always land on their feet, and bread always lands butter-side down, what happens when you strap buttered bread to the back of a cat and drop it?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, I was a suspect.

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

I once bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

What do batteries run on? Why is the Alphabet in that order? Is it 'cause of that song? Guy that wrote that song wrote everything.

I talk to myself a lot, but it bothers people because I use a megaphone.

For my birthday, once I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I put wax in my humidifier, now my room's all shiny.

I'm living with my friend Winny. people think Winny's weird because he's got false teeth, but he has braces on them. I think Winny's weird because he's got sideburns behind his ears. He practices Limbo a lot. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. People would come over and say, "What's that?" I'd say, "That's Winny."

Sometimes you can't hear me. that's 'cause sometimes, I'm in parentheses.

I'm in the strangest sweepstakes. It's a contest where you get a card with a number on it. Then, you go up to any stranger, and scratch a penny on his head. If the number on his head matches the number you have, you win one hundred dollars. i won twice. I was beat up 11 times.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I know when I'm gonna die because my birth certificate has an expiration date on it.

Whenever i see someone hitching, I always like to wait a minute before I say anything to them. Then I say, "Sooooo........ how far did you think you were going? Put on your seat belt, I want to try something. I saw it in a cartoon, but I'm pretty sure I can do it."

I lost a button hole. Where am I gonna get a button hole.

I stayed up one night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

My new answering machine message is a recording of the busy signal.

I like to leave messages before the beep.

Once I was in this bar and I went up to this beautiful brown-haired girl and I said, “Do you live around here often?” She said, “You’re wearing two different colored socks.” So I said, “Yes but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.”

My friend has one of those car-phones. He has an answering machine on that car-phone. The message is, “Hi. I’m home right now… so I can’t come to the phone. But leave your name and number and I’ll call you when I’m out.”

Once I got home and put my car key into my house’s lock by accident. Then the whole building started up, so I drove it around for a while. When the cops pulled me over, they asked where I lived and I said, “Right here!” Then I parked on the side of the highway and ran out into the street and yelled at all the cars to get the heck out of my driveway. No one who lives in my apartment building noticed that the building had moved because everyone who lives in the building is completely insane. The lady who lives across from me tried to rob a store with a pricing gun. She told the clerk, “Give me all the money in the register or I’ll mark everything in the store!” The guy who lives next to me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

I make my own water. The recipe is two cups of H, one cup of O. I don't trust anybody!

Once, I was driving around and I decided to hook my brake lights up to my gas pedal. Just to confuse the people behind me. I floor it, the people behind me stop, and I’m gone. They say, “What is he driving?”

I have a telescope on the peephole on my door so I can see who’s at the door for 200 miles. “Who is it? Who’s it gonna be when they get here?”

Once, I was in Little League on first. I stole third. I went straight across. Thanks to Mr. Scursso, earlier in the week I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a straight line so you know. I argued with the umpire that 2nd base was out of my way.

I like to aggravate the salesman when I go to the store. When they say, “Can I help you, sir?” I say, “Yeah. Do you have anything I would like?” Then they say, “How do I know what you’d like?” And I say, “Hey, you started this!”

It’s hard to find clothes that’re my size. Extra-medium. It’s just like regular medium but just a little bit extra.

I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.

I was once arrested for disturbing the people. I asked them, “Isn’t it supposed to be disturbing the peace?” They said, “Not in your case, bub.”

My old phone broke and I had to buy a new one. I didn’t have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone. It had no 5 on it. My phone had no number 5. I ran into an old friend of mine the other day and he said, “Hey. How come you never call me anymore?” I said, “I can’t call anyone I want. My phone has no 5 on it.” He said, “That’s really weird. How long have you had it?” I said, “I don’t know. My calendar has no 7’s.”

I called the wrong number by accident the other day. I said, “Hello. Is Joey there?” The woman who answered said, “Yes he is.” I said, “Can I speak to him please?” She said, “No, I don’t think so. He’s only 2 months old.” I said, “OK, I’ll wait.”

I bought a cordless extension cord.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. I think it’s in the apartment somewhere. I don’t know. We can’t find it.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.

I like to tease my plants when I water them. I water them with ice cubes.

Once, we had a power outage in my neighborhood… Good thing my camera had a flash. When I made a sandwich, I ended up taking 50 pictures of my kitchen. The neighbors called the police because they thought there was lightning in my house.

I moved into an apartment building with my friend Winnie. The apartment ran on static electricity. If we wanted to microwave something, we had to take a sweater off real quick. If we wanted the lights to turn on, we had to rub balloons on our heads.

My house is made out of balsa wood… so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...(slow glance upward)

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don’t really notice except that when I leave my driveway, I have to be going 60 mph.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so when I drive at night, it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.

I play the harmonica very often, because the only way I can play it is to drive 100 mph and stick my harmonica out the window. I’ve been arrested 14 times for practicing. Then I put a new engine in my car… but I forgot to take the old one out. Now I can go 500 mph. The harmonica sounds amazing.

Last year, me and a friend of mine drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I can’t remember what it was.

I was driving down the freeway when I saw a sign that said, “Next rest area: 25 miles.” I said, “Wow. That’s pretty big. People must get really tired around here.”

I was pulled over for speeding once. The policeman asked me, “Why were going so fast?” I said, “Why? I had my foot to the floor. Sends more gas through the carburetor. Makes the engine go faster. The whole car just takes off. And see this, right here, see this? This steers it.”

Once I was pulled over for running through a stop sign. The cop said, “Why did you go through that stop sign?” I said, “I thought that only applied to cars!”

Once I was pulled over for running through a stop sign. The cop said, “Why did you go through that stop sign?” I said, “Hey, I don’t believe everything I read.”

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly and after a few minutes says, "Here, you can go."

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

I bought one of those self learning records. You put the record on overnight and learn the language while you’re sleeping. During the night the record skipped. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I have a dog. I named him Stay. He was a lot of fun when he was a puppy because when I called him, I’d say, “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” And he’d keep starting to come and then stopping almost instantly. He’s a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him, he’ll just ignore me and keep on typing.

The human body is made up of 98% water. That means we’re just that far away from drowning. I like to live on the edge though. I do what the scientists tell me. I drink at least 5 glasses of water a day.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

I bought some powdered water, but, I don’t know what to add. Do I add food?

I was Caesarian born. You can’t really tell… Although every time I leave a house, I go out through the window.

Last night someone broke into my apartment and had replaced all the furniture in my house with exact replicas. I couldn’t believe it! I called up my friend and said, “Come here and look at this stuff – It’s all an exact replica!” He said, “Do I know you?”

Me and my friend were going on a cross country ski trip. I had to get up at 5 in the morning. I knew I couldn’t do that so I slept with my skis on. The next morning my friend got to my house and couldn’t wake me up. So he strapped me to the roof rack of the car and drove 250 miles to the ski lodge. When I finally woke up, I had this incredibly bizarre dream that I was sky diving horizontally… But I’m sure that’s happened to you.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing little triangles in the air.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

My friend got arrested for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

I went to a museum that had all the haeds and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

I used to be a proofreader for a skywriting company.

I have been selected for jury duty. It's kind of an insane case. 2 thousand ants dressed up as rice and robbed a chinese restaurant. i don't think they did it. I know a few of them and they wouldn't do anything like that.

When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box. I was an only child, eventually.

I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. It says one mile = one mile. People ask me where I live, I say E5. "Where do you live?" "E5."

I have a snow globe that has a little plow that comes out and does the roads.

You know when you're leaning back on a chair, and you lean back too far, and you almost fall over but just at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

I broke a mirror in my house and I'm supposed to get 7 years bad luck but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5.

I went to the drive-in in a cab. Movie cost me $95.

I recently got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. It flew accross the room.

I've been doing a lot of painting lately. Abstract painting. Extremely abstract. No brush. No canvas. I just think about it.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter-Skelter.

I know a man who has wooden legs and real feet. He asked me once if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

Today I was... no, that wasn't me.

I'm writing a book. I have the page numbers done. Now I just have to fill in the rest.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest. "You're under arrest!" "No I'm not!" "You're under arrest!"

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rear-view mirrors. "What the heck is that?!"