Short+Version+09

Don't "do the police in different voices" (54 seconds)
  
 * TWO MEN ARE UNDER ARREST FOR ROBBING A JEWELRY STORE. POLICE SAY THE MEN ENTERED THE VILLAGE PAWN SHOP AT 1407 MAIN STREET AT APPROXIMATELY 10:15 YESTERDAY MORNING. AFTER WAITING INSIDE THE STORE FOR A FEW MINUTES, ONE OF THE MEN DISPLAYED A GUN AND ORDERED TWO EMPLOYEES TO PLACE INTO A DUFFEL BAG ALL THE CASH FROM THE REGISTER AS WELL AS SEVERAL ITEMS OF JEWELRY. THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE IN THE STORE AT THE TIME. THE MEN LEFT THE STORE, AND ONE EMPLOYEE WAS ABLE TO SEE THE MEN DRIVE OFF IN A BLUE DODGE ARIES. THE EMPLOYEES NOTIFIED POLICE, AND AT APPROXIMATELY 11 O'CLOCK A VEHICLE MATCHING THE DESCRIPTION OF THE GETAWAY CAR WAS SPOTTED PARKED IN AN ALLEY IN BACK OF A HOUSE AT 684 WILLOW STREET. POLICE ENTERED THE HOUSE WHERE THEY FOUND TWO MEN, AN AMOUNT OF MONEY, AND ITEMS OF JEWELRY LATER IDENTIFIED AS HAVING BEEN TAKEN FROM THE STORE. A COMPUTER CHECK OF THE VEHICLE DETERMINED THAT IT WAS STOLEN. THE MEN WERE IDENTIFIED AS 34-YEAR-OLD MILES STANDISH OF MIDDLEVILLE AND 28-YEAR-OLD JOHN ALDEN OF SMALLTOWN. THE MEN WILL FACE A VARIETY OF CHARGES.

Cut irrelevant details (34 seconds)
This script (which runs about 54 seconds) is far too long, with irrelevant details such as the make and model of the getaway car, while the identification of the suspects isn't revealed until the very end. It is obvious that the reporter merely repeated the words of a police officer or of a police press release. Here's a brief rewrite of the script (which now runs 31 seconds): 
 * [[image:http://newscript.com/images/sound.jpg caption="Listen to this script!" link="http://newscript.com/sound/coptalk.wav"]] ||
 * Listen to this script! ||


 * TWO MEN ARE BEHIND BARS THIS MORNING AFTER AN ARMED ROBBERY OF A MIDDLEVILLE PAWN SHOP. POLICE SAY 34-YEAR-OLD MILES STANDISH OF MIDDLEVILLE AND 28-YEAR-OLD JOHN ALDEN OF SMALLTOWN ROBBED THE VILLAGE PAWN SHOP ON MAIN STREET YESTERDAY, FORCING TWO WORKERS AT GUNPOINT TO STUFF A DUFFEL BAG WITH MONEY AND JEWELRY. THE SUSPECTS WERE LATER ARRESTED IN A HOUSE ON WILLOW STREET AFTER POLICE SAY THEY SPOTTED THE GETAWAY CAR BEHIND THE HOME AND ITEMS TAKEN IN THE HEIST WERE FOUND INSIDE THE HOUSE. STANDISH AND ALDEN ARE EXPECTED TO FACE A VARIETY OF CHARGES.

But don't make the opposite mistake of being too informal
 
 * ...A WOMAN LEFT TWO INFANTS IN THE VAN WHILE SHE DROPPED OFF AN OLDER CHILD AT DAYCARE. THE VAN WAS STILL RUNNING, AND MEANWHILE SOME GUY MUST HAVE JUMPED IN AND DROVE OFF. WHEN HE REALIZED THERE WERE TWO INFANTS IN BACK, HE DITCHED THE VAN, AND POLICE ARE NOW SEARCHING FOR THE GUY IN SOME NEARBY WOODS.... BUT THANKFULLY THE KIDS ARE OKAY.

Keep it simple
In your scripts, simple sentences are best. 

Avoid your relatives
Relative clauses, which begin with a relative pronoun or adverb such as "who," "which" or "where" <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;"> <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;">A clearer means of expressing the same information is through two simple sentences: <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;">
 * FRED GRANDY...WHO PLAYED "GOPHER" ON THE ORIGINAL "LOVEBOAT" T-V SERIES...LATER SPENT 8 YEARS AS A CONGRESSMAN FROM IOWA
 * FRED GRANDY PLAED "GOPHER" ON THE ORIGINAL "LOVE BOAT" T-V SERIES. HE LATER SPENT 8 YEARS AS A CONGRESSMAN FROM IOWA.

<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;">Keep it fresh
Your script should not make the event sound like it happened yesterday--it should sound like it "is" happening.

John was walking down a street when a dog bit him. John walked down the street and a dog bit him.

The workers completed fixing the hole. The workers have fixed the hole. Work on the hole has been completed. The workers are fixing the hole. The hole is being fixed. <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;"> <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;">

<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;">Differences in style
Mathew Styling, 36, was seen <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;">36 year Mathew Styling was seen

<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;">Newspaper stories also display a greater use of the past tense. Radio, on the other hand, has an intimate, "you-are-there" quality that is enhanced by the use of the present tense. Newsmakers spoke to newspaper reporters ("Bush said...."); they //speak// to a radio audience ("BUSH SAYS....").

<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;">The art of condensing
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;">Make it short--only the most important information 700ish Characters 150ish words

<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;">Two digits only
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;">Follow the "two digits only" rule of newswriting: every number must be reduced to two significant digits.

<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;">Change pitches
Start story high End story low

sent 1 start high to low sent 2 start low sent 3 start higher than second sent 4 start low and end lower

1-H-L TWO MEN ARE BEHIND BARS THIS MORNING AFTER AN ARMED ROBBERY OF A MIDDLEVILLE PAWN SHOP. 2-L POLICE SAY 34-YEAR-OLD MILES STANDISH OF MIDDLEVILLE AND 28-YEAR-OLD JOHN ALDEN OF SMALLTOWN ROBBED THE VILLAGE PAWN SHOP ON MAIN STREET YESTERDAY, FORCING TWO WORKERS AT GUNPOINT TO STUFF A DUFFEL BAG WITH MONEY AND JEWELRY. 3-H than 2 THE SUSPECTS WERE LATER ARRESTED IN A HOUSE ON WILLOW STREET AFTER POLICE SAY THEY SPOTTED THE GETAWAY CAR BEHIND THE HOME AND ITEMS TAKEN IN THE HEIST WERE FOUND INSIDE THE HOUSE. 4-L-Lower STANDISH AND ALDEN ARE EXPECTED TO FACE A VARIETY OF CHARGES.

<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;"> <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Geneva;">